wishing it would be that way again won't make it so

Then, how do I go about making it so?

I'm missing a part of me. I left it in a back alley of commercial drive some time ago. Before the career/job. Before the Husband. Before the Baby. Even before the Ex that came before the Husband. I left it there on purpose. I didn't think I wanted it anymore. I didn't feel like I could face any kind of emotional expression unless it was induced by LSD. LSD helped me make music. It helped loosen me up and shake me free after the chaos and self loathe that the last days of the meth had brought out. But now I want it back. Now that I am clear and clean and not so raw. I want to get it back and I can't seem to pull it out of me. And it makes me sad.

I married a man who, despite his faults has a good heart. A deep and sensitive heart. A heart that I am hurting when I refuse to be "that girl". The truth is, I don't even know who "that girl" is any more. I was so untamed and free. I could express my self. I had an outlet. He knew me back then. He caught a glimpse of that girl. It was enough to keep him thinking of me for 4 years while he was with someone else. While he was fucked up. He always ended up back on my door step. Even while he was running from his own demons. So when I DO finally get him. I finally take what I'd wanted for years... I deprive him of the first and main thing he loved about me.

GAH. Sometimes when I remember back on things that have transpired, I cringe. Did I really say that? Did I really do that? Things that I did that "that girl" never would have done to friends. But "that girl" did. Damn that boy to hell, but he did hold up one mighty big, clear mirror up for me to see. But since then, I've been running from it. Every time I go to pick up my guitar or even think about playing it... I seize up. It reminds me of all those things that I did and said to people. All the bad things that were said and done to me. I try to explain why to my hubs and it just comes out wrong. I get shy. I get tense. I feel like if I open up like that to him that it will all crash down and I will hurt him just like I did to everyone else I ever let in.

I feel like that bad part of me will bubble up again. Was it the drugs influencing me back then or was it really that I was a fucking bitch. I don't know.

I don't even know what brought this on. But it's late and I'm tired. Sigh.

Moral of the story is don't do meth people. ANd don't detox from meth with 2 and a half months of LSD everyday. It will fuck you right up. Right to heck and gone. There are things starting to come up (nearly a decade later) that I thought I'd never have to think of again. Sigh.