Last night I had a marathon "chat" with my mother. marathon. I've never really openly expressed my feelings like that to my mother. And cried like that to her. It's just not how we are. We are tight, and we are VERY similar to each other. We don't like to show weakness or raw emotions to each other. Maybe it's a greek thing? who knows. But it all came out on the table last night.
It all came about because I saw some pictures of my dad. He looks like he is doing well. He has been in the hospital for throat cancer earlier this year. I haven't talked to him since right before he went in for chemotherapy. I felt like a coward. I felt like a coward for not talking to my father who had just been diagnosed with throat cancer. Apart from feeling like a coward and a bad daughter, I felt angry at him. HIM. This past year, with the passing of my *step* father, all of my issues about my *biological* father crept up to the surface. How he chose his fourth wife over his two daughters. How he chose the bottle of beer (actually, the cases of beer) over his family. How every time I try to forgive him for his absentee-ism and his brazen abandonment, I do well for a few months, and then I remember something from my child hood and I curse him.
Mostly, I realize that my father was incapable of raising children. He just was. We had some quality years when I lived with him. But I question if they were quality or just a show for the courts that he was better than my mother. Which will never EVER be true. And then it brings up the Jimmy thing. I consider him my father. flat out. I was raised by him. I was changed, fed and potty trained (on the trans-canada highway) by him. I was taught math and spelling by him. I was given my first motorcycle ride by him. I was given shit many many many MANY times by him. And it's sad and angering that my *biological* father never gave one tenth of a crap.
So, I have to release the burden of regret. Of feeling like a coward. I am not a coward, I am just a hurt little girl inside. But at least I got to have a father. When my real father could not be there for me. My mom said it really well. She said to me: "when I made the decision to leave your father, I just did it. I couldn't stay with him anymore. And then there was Jimmy." It was not months or years, but weeks. He took on the responsibility of a single mother and her two daughters *one ten, one just a baby* He didn't have to do that. He was on a death track when he met my mom. He was going to go on welfare and drink himself to death. That's what he chose. And then he met my mother. Here was a man who'd just lost his family and had his two children taken from him. *not because he was unfit, but because his ex was and still is a purely selfish and disturbed woman* It was kind of like fate.
My mom told me last night something about my young years that I didn't remember. When I used to come home from a weekend at my dads house, I would crawl up on Jimmy and refuse to leave his side. I would follow him around like a puppy for days after. I was getting something from him that I was not from my own father. Love. Affection. Attention paid to me. When I was at my dads, and especially when Jean entered the picture (step-mom) I was practically invisible.
Here is my revelation. I don't owe my biological father anything. But I will call him. I do have some kind of connection to this man and I do care about him. I will call him and see how he is. And maybe I can forgive him with that in mind. He did not have the capacity to raise a child. He didn't have the capacity to care about anything other than beer. And it's been that way for 40 or 50 years. Who was I to think I could change that. His first wife couldn't. His second wife and first daughter couldn't. His third wife, my mother and my sister and his first daughter couldn't do it as a family. And a 5 year old me, or a 10 year old me, or an adult me could never be a match for that kind of disease.
And that my friends concludes this installment of daddy-issues 101. Life is too short to hate. I just need to try and fill my heart with compassion for not just him, but everyone. Maybe that is the road to forgiveness.
May 7, 2010
Veggie Burgers Mexican Style Food Is Fuel May 7, 2010
So, this week, as I thought about what to post for Food Is Fuel Fridays, I came upon a recipe for Veggie Burgers that I could not resist. I got the idea from a popular recipe site, but ended up having to alter it significantly to suit our needs. As usual, my loving family were my recipe guinea pigs. They were all very satisfied. Correct, hubs was satisfied, kidlet does NOT like onions. While he was brave and ate about half the burger, next time, I will have to remember to not put onions in his burger. In honor of Cinco De Mayo, here's our Veggie Burger Mexican Style.
This was a fun to make and very simple. Plus, the nutritional value alone makes it worth it. Beans are very nutritious, especially in a vegetarian diet. Here's a little more about the nutritional benefits of black beans.
Black beans, as all dried beans, are good sources of starches, fiber, B vitamins, iron, zinc, phosphorus, complex carbohydrates and calcium. While about half of the calcium is lost during cooking, high percentages of the other nutrients remain however, even after cooking. Because beans are not a complete protein *not containing all 9 amino acids*, it is wise to supplement the missing amino acids with a grain or a small amount of dairy. For us, we whole grain flour and oats as our binding ingredient.
This recipe, as all of my recipes ends up being tweaked over time. I never truly cook the same thing twice. Just because, I don't often use real recipes. I just go on flavor, smell and texture to guide me most of the time.
I hope you all enjoy.
Eat Well and Be Merry. Peace.
Veggie Burgers Mexican Style
I started by heating the beans and white onions and garlic in the skillet. I cooked them until the beans absorbed the onion flavor, and the onions were nice and brown. In a medium bowl, I mixed the flour, oats and pretzel crumbs. Once the beans and onions are cooked, add them to the flour mixture. Add Salsa and any remaining ingredients and mix well. Make sure to mash up the beans fairly well, however, a little texture goes a long way.
*Note, the pretzel crumbs were not the healthiest choice, but you can substitute with anything really. We just picked them cause we needed to get rid of them, and who doesn't love honey mustard? =)
Once the bean mixture was ready, I rolled it into 8 balls about one to one and half inches in size. I baked all eight in my oven at 425 degrees for about 7 minutes on each side. (my oven cooks hot, so judge the time based on your oven). Once done, garnish with your favorite burger toppings. We used cheese, pickles, spinach and a couple desirable condiments. This recipe feeds eight people, however, because there are only 3 of us, I froze the remaining patties. I wrapped them up in parchment and put them in a freezer safe container for later snacking.
*Note, the pretzel crumbs were not the healthiest choice, but you can substitute with anything really. We just picked them cause we needed to get rid of them, and who doesn't love honey mustard? =)
Once the bean mixture was ready, I rolled it into 8 balls about one to one and half inches in size. I baked all eight in my oven at 425 degrees for about 7 minutes on each side. (my oven cooks hot, so judge the time based on your oven). Once done, garnish with your favorite burger toppings. We used cheese, pickles, spinach and a couple desirable condiments. This recipe feeds eight people, however, because there are only 3 of us, I froze the remaining patties. I wrapped them up in parchment and put them in a freezer safe container for later snacking.
This was a fun to make and very simple. Plus, the nutritional value alone makes it worth it. Beans are very nutritious, especially in a vegetarian diet. Here's a little more about the nutritional benefits of black beans.
Black beans, as all dried beans, are good sources of starches, fiber, B vitamins, iron, zinc, phosphorus, complex carbohydrates and calcium. While about half of the calcium is lost during cooking, high percentages of the other nutrients remain however, even after cooking. Because beans are not a complete protein *not containing all 9 amino acids*, it is wise to supplement the missing amino acids with a grain or a small amount of dairy. For us, we whole grain flour and oats as our binding ingredient.
This recipe, as all of my recipes ends up being tweaked over time. I never truly cook the same thing twice. Just because, I don't often use real recipes. I just go on flavor, smell and texture to guide me most of the time.
I hope you all enjoy.
Eat Well and Be Merry. Peace.
April 30, 2010
Food is Fuel Friday Participation Week 7
You can take the happy out of a happy meal and they will still come.
Let's just go ahead and take the accountability away from parents, why don't we. A county in California has banned TOYS in happy meals at McDonalds. Not Happy Meals, mind you. Just the TOYS. Because TOYS are a "tempting lure for children"
I will say this first, it is THE PARENTS responsibility to NOT feed their kids garbage. A toy in a meal is not going to change that. What needs to happen is a broader change. A change in thinking all together. And it needs to go beyond toys in meals. I mean, look at it this way... White Spot's food isn't entirely healthy (the kids choices, in any case) Do they ban Pirate Packs? What about Burger King and every other fast food spot that sells meals targeted at families and children? Are you going to ban fun there too? I mean, really. What the world REALLY needs is an inexpensive, healthy option for family dining. But wait, isn't that what a HOME COOKED MEAL IS?????? Hmm. GEE.
It seems silly to me that people would focus on the only fast food place that actually offers apples and milk as an option. Not that I am a fan of McDonald's for children. All I'm sayin' is that when I was growing up, there were no healthy options at all. You got a cheeseburger or a hamburger, some fries, a coke and a toy. That was a happy meal. A very very happy meal. But the times have changed. Oh have they ever. Back then, there wasn't an obesity epidemic. Or at least, no one saw it as an epidemic. But back then, it didn't cost a billion dollars to put your kid in sports. Back then, governments actually gave schools the funding they needed to get all kids into active lifestyles. Back then, we got a hot breakfast and an aerobics session before school even started. Remember that. The eighties/early nineties sure were good to kids in my province.
I think that in this whole thing, no one is asking parents: WHY are you feeding your kid that crap on a regular basis? The sad thing is... taking happy meal toys away will not deter people from taking their kids to McDonalds. All it means is that they will get all the same crap without the happy part. ANd I think that's a shame. A little innocence was lost there.
Parents need to educate themselves. If we allow the fast food industry or the government and their lobbyists to dictate to us what is healthy and what is not healthy, we are in for a heap of trouble. According to the government, right now, what we all need is a little more CORN in our diets, so... that tells me a lot. In the end, it's all about money.
So I say, take control back of your health and your life and your child and do the right thing. Research healthy alternatives. READ. WALK. PLAY. Let your 4 and half year old OUT of his stroller and get out of the fast food joint. Go home, cook some lunch and take it to the park. Trust me, he will thank you in 10 years when he's in high school.
Let's just go ahead and take the accountability away from parents, why don't we. A county in California has banned TOYS in happy meals at McDonalds. Not Happy Meals, mind you. Just the TOYS. Because TOYS are a "tempting lure for children"
I will say this first, it is THE PARENTS responsibility to NOT feed their kids garbage. A toy in a meal is not going to change that. What needs to happen is a broader change. A change in thinking all together. And it needs to go beyond toys in meals. I mean, look at it this way... White Spot's food isn't entirely healthy (the kids choices, in any case) Do they ban Pirate Packs? What about Burger King and every other fast food spot that sells meals targeted at families and children? Are you going to ban fun there too? I mean, really. What the world REALLY needs is an inexpensive, healthy option for family dining. But wait, isn't that what a HOME COOKED MEAL IS?????? Hmm. GEE.
It seems silly to me that people would focus on the only fast food place that actually offers apples and milk as an option. Not that I am a fan of McDonald's for children. All I'm sayin' is that when I was growing up, there were no healthy options at all. You got a cheeseburger or a hamburger, some fries, a coke and a toy. That was a happy meal. A very very happy meal. But the times have changed. Oh have they ever. Back then, there wasn't an obesity epidemic. Or at least, no one saw it as an epidemic. But back then, it didn't cost a billion dollars to put your kid in sports. Back then, governments actually gave schools the funding they needed to get all kids into active lifestyles. Back then, we got a hot breakfast and an aerobics session before school even started. Remember that. The eighties/early nineties sure were good to kids in my province.
I think that in this whole thing, no one is asking parents: WHY are you feeding your kid that crap on a regular basis? The sad thing is... taking happy meal toys away will not deter people from taking their kids to McDonalds. All it means is that they will get all the same crap without the happy part. ANd I think that's a shame. A little innocence was lost there.
Parents need to educate themselves. If we allow the fast food industry or the government and their lobbyists to dictate to us what is healthy and what is not healthy, we are in for a heap of trouble. According to the government, right now, what we all need is a little more CORN in our diets, so... that tells me a lot. In the end, it's all about money.
So I say, take control back of your health and your life and your child and do the right thing. Research healthy alternatives. READ. WALK. PLAY. Let your 4 and half year old OUT of his stroller and get out of the fast food joint. Go home, cook some lunch and take it to the park. Trust me, he will thank you in 10 years when he's in high school.
April 23, 2010
making the switch. Food is Fuel Fridays Participation Week # 6
Today I was inspired by grocery shopping of all things. I was inspired in the store as I realized that big stores are starting to offer more and more healthy options. Why? Because We, the consumer are asking for it. And guess what, they are listening. I guess being a stay-at-home mom holds a little more power than even I thought.
We have officially made the switch. And it wasn't as painful as you would think. It's so easy to switch when you think of it in these terms. Try to buy whole grain flour instead of regular old bleached white flour. The nutrition is stripped out almost completely in bleached flour. I apply this to bread as well. I also won't allow myself to fall victim to the "low-fat" myth. Because it is just that. Low fat = 100% more sugar. At least. Think of your food, as fuel. Fill yourself with premium. Add things like hemp to your diet. Look at the food you buy and ask questions of it. Ask what it will do for your health and how it will make you feel.
The changes that we have made initially are very simple. Very basic. At first, it frightened me as I thought of how we would even AFFORD to eat healthy. It's a sick situation that in today's day and age, it is cheaper to feed your family processed garbage, like they feed our cows, literally, than it is to feed them healthy, straight from the earth, natural food. REAL FOOD. But then it hit me. I will not compromise my family's health and well-being. I am the main shopper in a family unit that struggles financially. We get by, we scrape by. But I refuse to compromise on the groceries. And so that is why today, at the supermarket(s) I was elated when I noticed that not only are they offering MORE choice, but they are LOWERING their prices on healthy foods. IM ECSTATIC. It was a veritable food-gasm.
I am not intending this to be a lecture. By no means do I want you all to feel ashamed of what is in your pantry. There are lots of things in my pantry still that leave something to be desired. But it's the little steps and I'm noticing a difference. I just kept switching out the old unhealthy things for new, better healthy versions.
My camera is down today. But tomorrow, I will update this with a post of inside my pantry.
We have officially made the switch. And it wasn't as painful as you would think. It's so easy to switch when you think of it in these terms. Try to buy whole grain flour instead of regular old bleached white flour. The nutrition is stripped out almost completely in bleached flour. I apply this to bread as well. I also won't allow myself to fall victim to the "low-fat" myth. Because it is just that. Low fat = 100% more sugar. At least. Think of your food, as fuel. Fill yourself with premium. Add things like hemp to your diet. Look at the food you buy and ask questions of it. Ask what it will do for your health and how it will make you feel.
The changes that we have made initially are very simple. Very basic. At first, it frightened me as I thought of how we would even AFFORD to eat healthy. It's a sick situation that in today's day and age, it is cheaper to feed your family processed garbage, like they feed our cows, literally, than it is to feed them healthy, straight from the earth, natural food. REAL FOOD. But then it hit me. I will not compromise my family's health and well-being. I am the main shopper in a family unit that struggles financially. We get by, we scrape by. But I refuse to compromise on the groceries. And so that is why today, at the supermarket(s) I was elated when I noticed that not only are they offering MORE choice, but they are LOWERING their prices on healthy foods. IM ECSTATIC. It was a veritable food-gasm.
I am not intending this to be a lecture. By no means do I want you all to feel ashamed of what is in your pantry. There are lots of things in my pantry still that leave something to be desired. But it's the little steps and I'm noticing a difference. I just kept switching out the old unhealthy things for new, better healthy versions.
My camera is down today. But tomorrow, I will update this with a post of inside my pantry.
April 22, 2010
good times and bad times, we all must have our share
but when I left home with a brown eyed man, you know, I still don't seem to care!
I've been feeling gloomy. Broody lately. Blue. Mostly longing for a past that I don't even wish to relive. Strange how that happens. Strange how our memory works. Memories and senses are all intermingled with each other. I smell spring coming into summer and I remember wilder days. I smell cherry blossoms on the wind and I remember peaceful times. I smell the ocean and I remember people that I've loved.
And when the memory fades and I find myself in today, I remember why I am here today. TODAY. I remember why I gave up my wild days. I look at my son who is a carbon copy of my husband and I remember why I love them. And I look around me, at my friends and my family and I remember why I love them, too. They are real people. They are not purely figments of my over-nostalgic imagination. Another thing that is funny about memory is that it paints a prettier picture than it should sometimes. Almost too alluring. Too good to be true.
So, I shall stay in the present. And wait expectantly and excitedly for the future. It's not his fault that no one has ever loved him this much. (maybe his mother and his children) He just doesn't know how to handle it. And that's ok, cause he will learn to be loved. Sticking out the rough patches is much more worth the pain when they become smooth times.
.. and with that, fitting lyrics from a band that has become my new "thing" ;)
Falling Away With You. Muse.
I can't remember when it was good
moments of happiness elude
maybe I just misunderstood
all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find
so I'll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we've done
I think our lives have just begun
I think our lives have just begun
and I'll feel my world crumbling,
and I'll I feel my life crumbling
and feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away,
falling away with you
staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
I hope I won't forget a thing
promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same
and all of the love we threw away
and all of the hopes we've cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again
and I feel my world crumbling,
and I feel my life crumbling down,
I can feel my soul crumbling away,
and falling away,
falling away with you
all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find
memories I will never find
I've been feeling gloomy. Broody lately. Blue. Mostly longing for a past that I don't even wish to relive. Strange how that happens. Strange how our memory works. Memories and senses are all intermingled with each other. I smell spring coming into summer and I remember wilder days. I smell cherry blossoms on the wind and I remember peaceful times. I smell the ocean and I remember people that I've loved.
And when the memory fades and I find myself in today, I remember why I am here today. TODAY. I remember why I gave up my wild days. I look at my son who is a carbon copy of my husband and I remember why I love them. And I look around me, at my friends and my family and I remember why I love them, too. They are real people. They are not purely figments of my over-nostalgic imagination. Another thing that is funny about memory is that it paints a prettier picture than it should sometimes. Almost too alluring. Too good to be true.
So, I shall stay in the present. And wait expectantly and excitedly for the future. It's not his fault that no one has ever loved him this much. (maybe his mother and his children) He just doesn't know how to handle it. And that's ok, cause he will learn to be loved. Sticking out the rough patches is much more worth the pain when they become smooth times.
.. and with that, fitting lyrics from a band that has become my new "thing" ;)
Falling Away With You. Muse.
I can't remember when it was good
moments of happiness elude
maybe I just misunderstood
all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find
so I'll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we've done
I think our lives have just begun
I think our lives have just begun
and I'll feel my world crumbling,
and I'll I feel my life crumbling
and feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away,
falling away with you
staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
I hope I won't forget a thing
promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same
and all of the love we threw away
and all of the hopes we've cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again
and I feel my world crumbling,
and I feel my life crumbling down,
I can feel my soul crumbling away,
and falling away,
falling away with you
all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find
memories I will never find
April 17, 2010
bit by bit. little by little (food is fuel week 5 participACTION)
I've been struggling this week. Hard. It's just been a sad, hectic, crazy week. And I had to fight to keep myself motivated to cook well and healthy instead of EASY. I did break, on Monday. I broke down and made hubs by me a McChicken. With Half Mayo. Like that made a difference. And did I ever get my karma. We went for our nightly walk, we ran to catch the light. We had enough time, we didn't need to run. By the time I got to the other side, I was sick. Nausea had taken over. Everything started spinning around me. I began to hear things as though they were being said through a fan. Like Darth Vader. Like on the Dark Side.
There is no more fitting way to describe it. I was going through a sickness brought on by eating McDonalds for the first time in months. UGH. I had crossed over to the dark side, I felt. Then came the bad food guilt. It wasn't pretty. It reminded me why I do THIS. See, food is fuel Fridays, are more than just a blog meme. For me, it is an accountability issue. For me, it's how I can track and prove my progress. And process.
Other than my slip, we've been doing good. Everything is cooked with love, from scratch. I even changed from buying Seth "healthy" oatmeal to making it from scratch. Even the healthy oatmeal the package has additives and TONS of sugar, I've learned. And guess what, HE LOVES IT. He loves the earthy taste of his hemp oatmeal breakfast. The best part is that I have total control of all the ingredients. I know what's in it and how it will affect him. And it's been good. Really good.
Now to just keep up with it. We are starting at a grass roots level here. We are growing our own food this year. We are growing tomatoes, sweet peas, every salad green I could imagine, cucumbers, squash, strawberries, and all sorts of other yummy fresh healthy things. I can't wait. Inch by inch, row by row, little by little. Bit by Bit.
I know I am turning a corner, because 3 months ago, I wouldn't care less about eating a burger. It meant nothing to me. But now, I can see how much damage I was doing to my body. I might as well pick up a pack of smokes and start again after two years. That's how it felt. Like a failure. But I shall persist. I shall overcome. Someday. Someday is now.
Peace folks. Eat well.
April 14, 2010
wishing it would be that way again won't make it so
Then, how do I go about making it so?
I'm missing a part of me. I left it in a back alley of commercial drive some time ago. Before the career/job. Before the Husband. Before the Baby. Even before the Ex that came before the Husband. I left it there on purpose. I didn't think I wanted it anymore. I didn't feel like I could face any kind of emotional expression unless it was induced by LSD. LSD helped me make music. It helped loosen me up and shake me free after the chaos and self loathe that the last days of the meth had brought out. But now I want it back. Now that I am clear and clean and not so raw. I want to get it back and I can't seem to pull it out of me. And it makes me sad.
I married a man who, despite his faults has a good heart. A deep and sensitive heart. A heart that I am hurting when I refuse to be "that girl". The truth is, I don't even know who "that girl" is any more. I was so untamed and free. I could express my self. I had an outlet. He knew me back then. He caught a glimpse of that girl. It was enough to keep him thinking of me for 4 years while he was with someone else. While he was fucked up. He always ended up back on my door step. Even while he was running from his own demons. So when I DO finally get him. I finally take what I'd wanted for years... I deprive him of the first and main thing he loved about me.
GAH. Sometimes when I remember back on things that have transpired, I cringe. Did I really say that? Did I really do that? Things that I did that "that girl" never would have done to friends. But "that girl" did. Damn that boy to hell, but he did hold up one mighty big, clear mirror up for me to see. But since then, I've been running from it. Every time I go to pick up my guitar or even think about playing it... I seize up. It reminds me of all those things that I did and said to people. All the bad things that were said and done to me. I try to explain why to my hubs and it just comes out wrong. I get shy. I get tense. I feel like if I open up like that to him that it will all crash down and I will hurt him just like I did to everyone else I ever let in.
I feel like that bad part of me will bubble up again. Was it the drugs influencing me back then or was it really that I was a fucking bitch. I don't know.
I don't even know what brought this on. But it's late and I'm tired. Sigh.
Moral of the story is don't do meth people. ANd don't detox from meth with 2 and a half months of LSD everyday. It will fuck you right up. Right to heck and gone. There are things starting to come up (nearly a decade later) that I thought I'd never have to think of again. Sigh.
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